Thursday, January 20, 2011

I hate public restrooms!

I was thinking...
I think that if I were ever to develop a mental illness I would pick obsessive compulsive disorder.  Wait!!!  Before you click to exit my blog, hear me out.  I am not making jest of OCD or any other mental disorder…Hell, some of the most interesting and loved people I have ever known have suffered from one condition or another, what I am saying is that if I HAD to pick one (out of the several that many people claim that I already suffer from), It would be Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Well actually, not just obsessive compulsive disorder in general, but one certain obsession in particular.  I hate public restrooms!  Sometimes restrooms in general, but I hate public restrooms the most.   I hate the kind where you have to walk the gauntlet of stall after stall to reach the end where you know you are more likely to find a tidy one.  Ever walk into one, like at work, and you hear two people having a friendly conversation while they are peeing???  What is up with that…since when was it ok to share our most intimate acts and consider it a way to spend quality time together?  “I know! Let’s all bring our knitting and go sit in the ladies room on the toilets and girl talk”.  WTF???  Ever walk into one and they are talking to each other in two side by side stalls--and you can’t understand what language they are speaking???  AWKWARD…!   The worst though, are the kind like at the mall where you walk in and you have to wait in a line for like 10 minutes breathing everyone’s filth only to have to walk into the stall right after someone else.  You know you’re in trouble when they won’t make eye contact with you.  Now I know why our mothers taught us not to sit on the seat.  Who wants to feel some dirty person’s body heat…EEEK! It makes my skin crawl.  Even worse, I hate how you have to hold y…ughhhh….never mind, It’s grossing me out just thinking about it (shudders).
Unfortunately though, sometimes the really public ones like at the mall are una-void-able (get the pun?) You just have to swallow your pride and dignity- suck it up and deal with the situation.  I for one hate when this happens!  Why is it that you can be walking through the mall and see half empty trash cans being emptied, maintenance workers behind brooms that are pushing imaginary dirt, Sparklingly clean windows being washed of their imaginary blemishes, spotless rugs being vacuumed…etc… but you walk in the ladies room and have to tip toe through the shards and streamers of toilet paper, wade through puddles or God knows what type of liquid and breathe nauseatingly foul air in order to reach your distasteful destination??? And all the while, classical music plays and the fineries of society are tastefully displayed not 50 feet outside the door?  And while they can spend thousands and thousands of dollars on seasonal mall decorations, they can’t keep toilet paper in the dispenser or off the floor for that matter, is there no middle ground?  Why is toilet paper always either non-existent or all over the floor.   Couldn’t they just put extra in there? WHO CONTROLS THIS?!!! WHY ARE THEY SO IGNORANT TO THE FACTS???!!!
Now, I hate to make you think that I am paranoid, mind you, but why is it that in every mall you visit, the restrooms are located in such an isolated, dingy and desolate area?  Ever look at the people lurking outside of them?  Who or what are they waiting for?  Why would any normal person lurk near such a place?   And the cameras…they have cameras outside of them!  Why?  What are they watching for? It’s almost like some sick mind knowingly watches and knows how disgusting these filth factories are and attempting to gain some perverse entertainment value from it.  Yeah.  Either that or they are trying
 to just push the matter aside and out of mind by having things on film rather than witnessed in person,  just in case, rather than managing and just cleaning the damn things….AND WHAT IS THAT SMELL???  My bathroom at home at its worst doesn’t smell like that!  Is that repulsively pungent smell some kind of spray deodorant they use?  Because every one of them smells exactly the same way.   Ever use the one in Kmart (any Kmart, pick one)?  They’re the worse?  Oh, and one more thing…why can’t they ever fill the freaking vending machines?  Really?! Would it put them out of business to just once let someone actually receive what they paid for?  Or at least have a refund policy, sheesh, it’s not like they use the proceeds to fund bathroom maintenance.  Oh, and here is one for you ladies…ever stolen a glance into a men’s room?  We definitely have the better end of that bargain, trust me, I’ve done my research.  But yet, why is it that Men never have to wait in line or why is it again, that they are in and out and waiting for us, before we can get the trail of toilet paper off of our heel!  Sigh, I don’t know, I personally think it’s all some kind of an evil plot…a conspiracy if you will.  One with some dark and devious underlying purpose, I just haven’t been able to figure it out yet.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Freudian Slip? Not even close!

I would just like to say publicly that I really- really- really like my new job.  Even though it is technically only a six month duration, I wake up every morning hoping that some universal wind will blow with just the right temperature and velocity and the pendulum of fate will swing things in my direction…but until it does, I need to diligently continue my daily plug to make myself both liked, useful and necessary around the office.
This being said, I have to tell you a little story about what happened to me yesterday.  Having awakened to a terrible winter snow/sleet storm and after a horrific 2 hour-20 minute commute that normally takes about 50 minutes; I set about my morning to accomplish enough to justify my tardiness.  I was zipping around making changes to spreadsheets, answering my emails, working on whatever tasks had been given me when I took a little break to use the ladies room.  I know, a little too much over-sharing, but necessary to the story being told.  Now, the skirt that I had on was a heavy almost to the ankle stretch corduroy that has a tendency to ride up at the waistline (TMI again, but still necessary).  Well when I “arranged” myself after my break, and tugged at my skirt to bring it back down around my waist where it belonged, apparently I also inadvertently and unknowingly tugged my slip down to below my hips.  I know, at this point you are imagining what comes next…
I then proceeded to my desk where I hit the CTRL Print command on the document I was working on and sauntered over to the community printer in our office.  On the way there, I was greeted by an always friendly executive admin who was seated right outside of the office of her boss—the CEO of the very company that I am hoping beyond all hope to become a permanent part of.   I paused about 10 to 15 feet from her cubicle to make small talk over the half wall of her cubicle (she as always was friendly, and gracious).  After a couple of minutes, the small talk had become too small to make any larger, and I went to walk away.  It was then that I felt a gentle swoosh against my calf and ankles.  Looking down to see if I had dropped something, I saw a crumpled mass of sateen lazily embracing my lower extremities like a serpent.  I immediately flushed, and looking up was relieved to see that my co-worker had already focused on her own task without noticing my little “slip”.  I then very quickly and with as little awkwardness as possible stepped out of the garment, scooped it up and shoved it under my arm in a lump, holding my printed page close to me to hide the bulge under my close fitting cardigan.  Thankfully, I thought to myself, because of meetings and the storm, the only ones present in my work area were myself and the other admin…the one who sits right outside of the office of the CEO of the company—the company that I hope beyond all hope to become a permanent part of. (wait, did I already say that?).
After sheepishly slinking back to my desk, undergarment in hand--sort of, I sat down and stuffed the item into the middle part of my purse and that was that.  After I sat down and thought about what had just transpired,  began to snicker, and giggle….and giggle some more…and then outright laugh.  I am sure that had anyone heard me (and I am SURE that my admin co-worker had), they would have thought me to have serious issues, the kind more serious than just dropping my undergarments for all to see, whether accidentally or not. 
After a few minutes I again re-focused on the tasks at hand and somewhat forgot about the incident. 
Now, the place where I sit is located in a very high traffic are of the office, kind of right in the main area where anyone approaching our floor walks.  The Vice Presidents and the CEO and other admins walk by my cubicle to get to their offices and desks.  I had been at my desk since returning from my little “incident” and no one had walked by to either arrive or leave...I would have noticed.  Besides, as you may recall, I had mentioned that it was only me and the executive Admin in the area.  As I sat working, I heard footsteps behind me coming from the area of the community printer.  Hearing the approach, I looked up expecting to greet the admin who would be wearing a knowing smile—Just then who did I see?  The CEO walks right by my desk!  The same CEO that sits directly across from the scene of the atrocity!  I immediately flushed and looked away, and then began giggling again to myself (much more quietly as the CEO was still just feet from my cubicle).  Had he seen it?  Had he been there the whole time and seen the whole thing?  Of all people to have possibly whitnessed it!  Even worse than his very classy executive admin—HIM…The Very English accented CEO!  Now, did I mention that this is the company that I hope beyond all hope to become a permanent part of?   Later, at lunchtime, as I sat at lunch telling my daughter of the morning’s event (we work at the same place), I could just imagine him telling his wife when he got home last night, “The bloody temp dropped her knickers!!!” I still chuckle at the thought of it.  I don’t think I will make eye contact with him for a few days just in case…
I don’t know if my words have conveyed the humor of the scenario of yesterday’s event or not, but trust me, I didn’t think the story could get any funnier! Alas, today is a new day, and having put my embarrassment behind me I came in this morning to get down to business.
So, I was just in my cubicle taking a little breather and talking to THE executive admin (The admin to the CEO of the company that I hope beyond all hope to become a permanent part of) and when I reached into my pocketbook to pull out my wallet to show her a picture of my precious grandbabies, I fully opened the purse and three guesses what was staring up at the two of us like a white devil….

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hitchikers guide to an underwater galaxy

So here's a question...
Ever have a hobby that you absolutely loved?  Not one that you saved for rainy days when all the work was done, not one that you kept on a shelf so that you could be able to say that you do "this" or you are an avid "that"...but one that consumed you to the point that you found yourself daydreaming about it when you should be focused on more grown up things, like reality.

Today, as I sat at my desk at work, checking an email or hearing a phone ring or...or...anyway, you get the picture.  I was thinking about home.  Well, not really home, but my own little piece of heaven.  My very own living, filter feeding, swimming...well, you know, my underwater science experiment.  Now this may sound a little silly to some people, but to me, these little aquarium inhabitants have become part of everything I am.  In six months, I have taken an empty glass box, filled it with sand and substrate, threw in some salt and gallons and gallons of deinonized water; added one life form at a time, some rock, some equipment, some lights and a whole lot of love and pieced together my own little ecosystem-complete with bugs.  Pretty Cool, huh?  Now, How can I not let my mind wander to imagine what magical wonders are going on inside that box at any given moment.  Any normal person in my shoes would do the same, right?

So tonight, after the dishes were done, the emails checked, the laundry folded and some time with my amazing man, I just had to see what anomalies awaited.  I pulled a seat up to my little underwater zoo, grabbed my magnifying glass and set out so see what new wonders awaited.  I was not disappointed, but then again, I never am.  Holding the glass up to, well the glass, I could see so much more than with normal magnification.  It had been a few weeks since I had done this--the last time I did, there was alot of fuzzy stuff on the rocks that hid the amazing events that were going on beneath.   Yes, it had been a few weeks, and in the interim I had gotten a big doe eyed Kole Tang, that happens to love that fuzzy stuff....and my new little tankmate had picked the rocks clean and clear for viewing.   As I held the magnifying glass to the side of the tank I was amazed at what I saw.  It was like scuba diving in my very own living room, without the equipment.  Inside my little reef, I saw several tiny red fan worms no bigger than half an inch long as they swayed in the current.  Inside a little cave in a rock, I spotted the long arm of some sort of a black and white striped worm as it reached out to find food.  As I looked especially close, I saw a tiny little amphipod (a bug) as it crawled about on the top of a rock.  Wiggling under a rock, I saw the sand move as a small bristleworm made its way deeper into the substrate. tiny hermit crabs stirred the sand seeking food, snails cleaned the undersides of anything that had an underside and "Patrick" my bright red starfish made short work of the algae on the sides of the glass.  Now these may sound like peculiar, uninteresting or even creepy little things to most of you....but to me, they are gifts that came in as little marine hitchikers just for me.  Most of them  were hiding in the rock and arrived unnoticed until they emerged from the rock, to be cared for and to do thier part in my little underwater society.  The universe placed them in MY care and in return, each has an integral part in the maintenance and workings of my system.  I guess what really got to me isn't the fact that they are alive in there, but that fact that they are co-habitating in there under my watchful and controlling eye...and I am keeping them that way.   I just could not help but to smile as I thought, that these events occur day in and day out in my little society; with or without tank lights on. Sunshine or rain or snow or wind, they continue unknowingly that there is any world outside thier small ocean.  The joy of knowing how amazing every little creature is and the fact that they are all in my care, just was the perfect way to top off my day.

So now, tomorrow, as I am sitting at my desk (trying very hard to be a focused, conscientous employee) you and I both know where my mind will be....looking for bristle worms or looking for "pods" or imagining as my little beauties swim about, picking at the rocks or chasing each other or hovering above the gentle sway of the corals as they filter feed...sigh.   Luckily I am very good at multi-tasking or I just wouldn't get anything done.  Well, Good night everyone...I'm going scuba diving (in my dreams).