If you remember back to a month or so ago, I had introduced you to Dark Lord Sinterklaas who was withholding spring from us all. This villain’s presence still plagues my morning commute and this morning as I travelled to work I decided that it was time to do something about it. Writing down the house number and looking at the street, I now know where to send my thoughts. Below is a letter that I have drafted in this regard…..
I write to you today to respectfully ask, no… plead with you, to please take down that wretched plywood cut out of St. Nicholas that mocks me each day as I pass by your house.
As you may have noticed, your wall Calendar no longer indicates that it is December, it now displays the month of April. Marked by the budding of the trees, the Vernal Season has arrived. Christmas has come and gone months ago and it is now time to remove your frightening Yuletide display and welcome the splendor of the New England Springtime.
In recent weeks as the Easter holiday has approached, I have entertained notions of a similarly frightening, large two dimensional Easter Bunny arriving in his place. Initially I contemplated that this alternative would have been more palatable. Soon, though, those fantasies brought on the harsh possibility that perhaps, he too would hang--until in June or July, he was replaced by Uncle Sam. This epiphany brought on a fast sobriety regarding the subject at hand. As I thought about this I soon questioned, where would it all stop…how far would it go? Would a Giant Witch, Spider, Vampire or similarly ghoulish figure be displayed in October? Even worse, perhaps a Gargantuan Gobbler would be hung when November arrived? I realized the possibilities and shuddered.
So, dear Sir or Madam, I ask you. How long do you plan to display your Two Dimensional Nightmare; Indefinitely? Is it your goal to just leave him up until once again, the skies turn dark, the weather turns bitter and snowflakes fall? How long will you leave him up? Christmas has passed and soon the heat of summer will be upon us. Think of the condition that the burning rays of the sun will leave your effigy in. Think of the fading that will occur, or worse the black mold from the rain penetrating into the pores of the wood. What of the rusting and decay of the installation hardware. What of safety? If not for esthetic or communal decency, then do it for Santa Claus--for heaven’s sake! DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!!!
Now, I understand that there are circumstances that come up in our life that prevent us from performing certain tasks, but if this is the case then I implore you, surely there is SOMEONE who could retire this monument to an acceptable storage facility. He is scaring people!
Please dear friends, take a moment to consider my request and remove the vile two dimensional display before It is once again time to put it back up again. If you decide you ignore my request, then as a favor could you at least tie a large yo-yo to his pointing finger so that he is not so threatening to those passing by?
A Concerned Citizen
A Concerned Citizen
I’m not quite sure when or if I will actually send this letter, but for now, it gave me a pretty strong sense of satisfaction….