Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What IS that for anyway?

This past four day weekend Bob and I took a much too long trip to Ohio to see our new (old) houseboat.  Amazingly we survived the long boring trip through Pennsylvania (did I mention boring?) with our marriage intact.  Along the way several discussions came up.
The first one was “Why do we have earlobes?”  What? I wanted to know! We bantered back and forth for at least 30 miles but still couldn’t come up with an answer.  Finally, we decided that they were put there for “Earbobs”-My final answer.  Does ANYONE know why we have earlobes, because we never could find a definitive reason? 
This question then brought along a very long chain of other questions, ranging from the ridiculous to the sublime.   Among them came the subject of the epiglottis…you know, that little punching bag thing that hangs in the back of your throat.  What IS that thing and what is it for anyway?  We never did figure this one out, so when I got back I looked it up on good ole Google.  Who would have thought that without that little flap of meat, we would choke to death.  I guess it closes off the airway when we eat and drink so we don’t inhale our nourishment instead of eating it (or drinking it).  Go figure.
Also, was the question of road kill…along the way we saw countless remains of deer in every size, shape and degree of decomposition (did I mention that in addition to being excessively monotonous and unpopulated, Western Pennsylvania also smells revoltingly like roadkill?)  This brought about the question of location.  It seemed that every carcass we encountered was left in the same exact part of the road…always to the right with just the upper part of its body either on the rumble strip or the white line.  Why????  Are they ALL hit here?  Are they thrown to this spot by oncoming tractor trailers?  How is this possible with so many speed and position variables?  Is it some mysterious creed among ungulate whereby they vow and shake their little hooves in a sacred deer oath that in order to maintain their honor, they will use their last bit of life’s energy to find the highway “sweet spot”?  Why were none of these poor animals in the road, or even on the left hand lane?  I wonder if the poor deers (get it?) stopped to get a drink from the grooves in the rumble strip and their epiglottis didn’t close and they choked to death and drowned there?  Not likely though.  Maybe it’s a practical joke among truckers?  At any rate…not funny guys!  I know, Perhaps the members of the highway department in them parts move them there in some sort of twisted hillbilly nature religion ritual?  I suppose it could be possible, but If this were the case, they could have gone that extra step and just dragged them into the countless acres of tree after tree after tree and spared us the revulsion of death’s perfume. 
…Yeah, driving that six hundred plus miles to Ohio, there were many other questions, but these are all my brain (and marriage) can handle right now.  If anyone has better answers, or answers at all, help me out here…inquiring minds want to know…
…Oh, by the way, Ohio greeted us with a rainbow just as we crossed the bridge over the Ohio River, but that doesn’t mean it’s the promise land….You can trust me on that one…

Thursday, May 19, 2011

It's the end of the world as we know it....

I hope all of you are ready, because as of Saturday at 6:00pm, life as we know it is about to change...The world is going to end!  What you don’t believe me?  Just ask Harold Camping, President of Family Radio, in California--he has it all figured out.
Apparently, this Civil Engineer from California has figured out a way using numbers and clues from the Bible to calculate an exact day when the apocalypse will begin...it’s all very scientific you know.  Of course it isn’t the first time.  He also used his prediction method to foretell the same event on September 6th, 1994 but had to admit the next morning on September 7th, that he may have been wrong...Good Call, Harold? Ya think?  Did you check your work using perhaps a casting 9’s method of checking?  Nine IS a magical number you know, it would have shown you the error.
Hearing about this, got me thinking...What if he’s right this time?  What if he really is a genius and the great tribulation that our parents threatened us with is not only true, but about to begin...
What if this wacko beat the odds and actually came up with a way to unlock the mysteries of one
of the oldest ciphers on earth.  And what about the impending 5 months after until the destruction of earth...couldn’t he have at least waited until after my birthday on the 25th?  Then I shook my head popping the thought bubble above it.  Realizing where the information came from I returned to the analytical skeptic that greets me in the mirror each morning and gave a sigh of relief.  He didn’t suck me into his heresy (this time)!

Besides, First of all, his whole basis on religion cannot be proven.  Even if the numbers he is using were from a proven scientific source, there are just too many variables.  Basing his findings on even the Mayan Haab (Solar Calendar) would still leave room for error.
“Using a calendar with 365 days every year would result in a loss of 0.2422 days, or almost six hours per year. After 100 years, this calendar would be more than 24 days ahead of the season (tropical year), which is not desirable or accurate. It is desirable to align the calendar with the seasons and to make any difference as insignificant as possible.  By adding a leap year approximately every fourth year, the difference between the calendar and the seasons can be reduced significantly, and the calendar will align with the seasons much more accurately.” (http://www.timeanddate.com/date/leapyear.html)  If each calendar year loses .2422 days, and we only figure in the .24, then what of the other .0022 days?  It would seem to me that these over the course of millennia would add up pretty substantially.  Although, he does base his calculations on the death of Christ, a documented historical figure, but even at that?  Can we really depend on the accuracy of historical documentation that specifically...right down to the day and hour?   

So instead of hiding in fear of my impending doom...I think I will just wait it out with a bottle of really good wine and when the hour approaches, I will blast REM’s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” laughing maniacally to myself at the fact that after this time around...It really will be the end of the world as Mr. Camping knows it, because who’s going to believe his absurdity a third time (although, I am sure there are plenty of sheep who will)?  You don’t believe this wackjob do you?  Seriously?  Harold Camping, I mean (obviously not Yours Truly).

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Lately I’ve been trying to make some extra money by selling some stuff on EBAY.  You know what?   I just can’t get over how you can triple or quadruple your money by posting your crappy used and unwanted things publicly for a nominal fee.  People just eat the stuff up…but what people?  Did you ever wonder who buys the crap? 
This time around I posted a pair of size 9 ½ gently worn women’s shoes.  The next day I got a request from who knows WHAT, to post pictures of the shoes while being worn “with a foot in them”.   This person wanted to see how they would look “with a foot” in them!!  WTF?   After wondering about the disturbing possibilities of such a request (and deciding “what the hell!”)  in the name of commerce, I unapologetically placed my foot into the shoe and asked my husband to click away.  Of course, having posted the images, no bid was offered (as promised) and I’ve now inherited the hobby of visiting sordid internet sites catering to weirdoes with cankle fetishes to retrieve my photograph.  I can just see it now posted on the wall of some pervert somewhere who has a thing for chunky ankles and calves in black Kenneth Cole pumps.  Guess what though-- I fooled him (or her…eeek)!   I wore black knee socks for the photo.   somehow though I don’t think that someone that obscure would be intimidated by a pair of black knee highs with lint balls…
The next morning after the image was uploaded, I went online to eagerly see what bid my mystery pervert submitted…and…behold, no bid…*sigh*
BUT…. there in my email was another request from “thelaststarlighter”!  This time I was being asked to
take a picture of the bottom of the shoes to show how much wear was done during my “gently worn”
use.  This really isn’t that odd of a request when you think about it and I almost hit delete before I read the final paragraph…
Apparently though,  the shoes are “intended as a gift” and the potential buyer wanted to know just how used they are before giving them.   I almost choked on my coffee.  Um…seriously?!   You want me to post pictures of the extent of wear on these shoes so that you can determine if they are suitable to be given as a gift!?  What could possibly be the occasion to give used shoes as a gift?  National Foot Odor Awareness  Day?  Of course, my daughter offered to purchase the shoes herself in exchange for my confronting this person on the subject, but I declined, preferring the thrill and the sport of selling them fairly and squarely to any deviant whose  check clears.  As a result I’ve decided that from now on, even if nothing sells, I’m just going to sit back and have some fun.  I may miss out on a few sales, but from now on I’m going to mess with these people.    
Well, some people would have been scared away by the whole EBAY hiding weirdo thing at this point, but not me, I don’t scare easily.   Besides, I can hardly count the minutes until I can post some of the vintage lingerie I plan to put up for sale.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A humorous reminder that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

I was sent this email by a friend and just had to share it.  Even though I didn't write it, I am so sorry I didn't, so I just have to paste it here for your reading enjoyment and the hope that it will give you some chuckles like it did me. 
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and
cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by Professor
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. It was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
 learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
 many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
 for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
 be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
    provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
    claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
    Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
    In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
    period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I
    tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
    pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
    claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
   clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
   myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
   abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
   don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
   defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
   vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
    their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How
    should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
    unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
     crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
     different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
     and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
     getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we
    just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people
    who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable
 expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

 Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
 Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a @#$% shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)

I hope you laugh as much as I did....